Transcript for #115 - Maz Jobrani

It feels a lot more legit right now. It does.

But ask him. That's how bad they are. Yes. Look, there you go.

You're like Lex Lutheran Superman and everywhere the same pair of socks.

Sover. Sover for those sneakers. You're comedian.

Is that in case he gets shot or something?

It's really hard for a comedian to be too blingy. Like only black comedians could be blingy. There's no like, yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Yes.

I saw Prince and Concert recently. I saw Prince and Concert. It was amazing. You guys amazing. I was like a comedian could never dress like Prince and you.

Yeah, exactly. Like he came out at one point with like like fur, like fur leg warmer thing. Can you imagine as a comedian coming next to the stage, Joe Rogan, shopping fur. Leg warmers.

Oh my god.

He owns it. That's what it is. I was there with my wife. I was like, there's nothing else this guy could do. Like he's made to do this. Like he could never be like he went like, my wife's like a UPS guy. They don't say it like he shows up. You know, he says you can't. And he owns it.

He is amazing.

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. All the good ones. Well, from back, I mean, even like all the composers, Beethoven and all those guys were all nuts.

But also the great I was listening to the radio one time they were talking about because some of these got like autistic like autistic people someone were like geniuses in one way and and you know and autistic or you know they have problems in other way this one kid they were saying um autistic couldn't communicate that he's at home with his mom and dad. They watch some movie that had like Beethoven concerto in it to just watch it, you know, once. Because like 12 years old, the mother goes to sleep middle of the night wakes up, thinks that the TV's playing it again. The kids at the piano playing that song from watching it once. He's just learned the song so so these guys are geniuses in one way and crazy in another way.

Yeah, or maybe there's like, I mean, there's even certain, like as you were talking about, you know, prints, like there's certain levels of it. You know, like you got the rock star who's brilliant and amazing, but like he can't like, you know, remember as a dress, you know, right, right. He's a someone a baby.

But I wonder how much of that is like people just being like, oh, you should have heard that. You know what I'm saying people do that. You should all man the classic that it went a reality.

Can you even buy a record planning?

How funny is that? You think old TVs will make it come back? Wouldn't that be funny if you go in here? This is not HD.

It is a cool idea. It's kind of like, I don't know if you heard about this, but I guess Stephen Wright is writing a novel on Twitter. Did you hear about this? He straight up like he, you know, he found out, you know, he took, you know how he's like, I mean, he's known for the shorter jokes, right? So he decided, well, Twitter is about being short. So I'm going to write a novel. So supposedly he's writing a novel and you can come in at any point. And you might not know what's going on. He doesn't care. He's just going to follow him.

I think it's with a V actually. I think it's Steve. Yeah, Steve. But what I'm saying is like the same thing. If you bust it out with like everyone else is coming out with like the new, I'm going to put my album out like this like that and you bust out with you know a record vinyl. That might be a way to go.

Yeah, that could probably be about right. How can you find out if it's the real deal or not?

I heard that I was like, that is crazy. That is such a great idea.

Isn't that crazy?

It's crazy how success can get in the way of art. Yes. And often does.

Let's have manageable.

As long as you're still doing good stuff, I think part of it is like, I mean, with you, I know seeing you with the comedy store when I first was starting there, the good thing about you was even when you had a show or anything going, you still kept that mentality of I got to get up and create and write and you continue to do that. And so the idea is you can get out of that quote unquote artist colony. you know, with success, but then you, within you remind yourself, it's like a box or I gotta keep training, you know.

How exciting is it when you do like I mean you just so when you come with a bit or something that you like it's like it's as good as getting a big paycheck where you're like that was cool. I mean it's even you're saying like I mean it's just you're so excited about it. You know and it's because it doesn't always come one of the problems of successes it becomes harder. to write newer stuff unless if you put yourself in those lab kind of situations where you're saying okay I'm gonna work out some new stuff you know people come expecting you to always gonna you know do those killer whatever things you know

The only time I've recently tried something like that is the laugh factory was doing something with Kevin Nealon on Tuesdays. We were known as seven minutes of new material and then Kevin Nealon comes on stage and sits with you and kind of he's a funny guy. He kind of risks with you and kind of like makes one of the material but also gives you some ideas. And the audience, well, they're supposed to know that that's what they're there for half the audience. Whenever I go up there, I go, how many of you guys knew you were coming for this? And like two or three people clap, the rest of them thought it was a real show. But the idea is you're supposed to go up with seven minutes of brand new, like never try. So every time I've gone up there, I've just gone into my blackberry and looked at the ideas I've had that I've just put down that I haven't rift on. Yeah. I just go up and riff. And it's over now. You're never in beautiful and real good things come out of it.

I think it's Andrew Cuomo. and he seems like he's he's like he's like he's a Cuomo he kind of is like seems like he's legit right and back in my mind I'm like I hope he's not bang in some way. I was like it's gonna cause I was like almost it's a lady he can live through with late like do it even though now you can't believe I mean it's like you know We know we don't know. I mean, did he do it? He actually have sexual events. It was just like sending pictures of his penis. It's a freak. He's just a freak. Yeah, so now he's gone. So what I'm saying is like you can't like if if government if Governor Cuomo were found to be having an affair, he's done. I mean, did you can't? Yes, I agree with you.

It might have been serial killer. Okay. Oh, who the fuck now? So that concept that you had is kind of funny, you should riff on that about pretty soon it would be no one left to run and it would be like the most unsexable people like someone known wants to have any sex with like you get like really ugly kind of like you know it's just like wordy people like you got to be someone there's nothing that no one's attracted to to run because they're like well there's no way anyone had sex with that guy

Yeah. But also with power. I mean, that's part of what comes with it. I mean, it was funny, too, was the, when that dominant stress con, when the IMF guy Yes, yeah, well it was funny was they were people don't know explain the story was I'm extra Scott was the was the president of the IMF and He's staying at the Sophie tell hotel in a $3,000 a night suite He's also supposed to be the next possible possible president of France so he's being geared up for that And so the maid comes in to clean the place and he shows up naked and he basically I think he chased her around and tried to rapor something he fucked her mouth did he? Yeah, oh my god, so he so he What every mint yes, according to the story who knows what really happened But but but the thing it was funny is so he's a French dude and then and of course, you know then he tried they tried to leave the country. I should say allegedly fucked him off allegedly fuck that out. I'll say allegedly Yeah, that's that's what our sources that's what our sources have told us Yeah, they're the internet. Yeah, I didn't look into that at all But but but but the point but what's funny is is I was reading that some of the French the French reaction where they were like they were saying like well the French aren't that phased by the whole they're like they expect their politician to be oh if your politician a French isn't bang in somebody then it's weird You know well, you know, um, there's there's a thing that we talked about on this podcast before called Toxel Plasma

That would be a great plea in court. Be like, I have toxoplasma.

I don't know what I was thinking. I was thinking like all these guys, like when you get to that level of power, you should have like, like, I was thinking you should have like, um, a counselor that's walking around with you 24-7 and you're like, hey, I think I'm about to whip out my dick and like, that's not a good idea. But what's funny is I realized if it were a dude, the dude would eventually be like, yeah, whip out your dick. Let's just say, you know, he's like, go to him on. You should totally do that. The awesome. Oh, you want to bang the maid? You should totally bang the maid. You're the president of IMF. Is it a watch?

Oh, he didn't matter. He was like, I'm a hard on it. He's like, cleaning is like, I must do, you know, he's like, he just bent over it. I mean, it's ridiculous. I jokingly said, like, maybe he's trying to save money on childcare. Like, you know, have a baby with a nanny. You got to take care of his free. You know, you take, you know.

Does everything. Doesn't that, doesn't that lower your sex driver or, or, or supposedly like makes your penis small?

I don't know what the fucking man throw balls. I have pretty average size balls. I'm not that bad. I don't have big balls. I just had elephant balls. I don't have big balls. I just had elephant balls. I don't have big balls. I just had elephant balls.

I'm cool scratching your balls. It's best feeling in the world.

What a doctor. Golden sag.

Yeah, I would every time I seem like why isn't there just a show just following him around I know right? I think he says this is weekend. I was with him and like we're in the van going from the hotel to blocks going from the hotel to the venue Some people across on the street in front of him and I don't everyone else kind of sit in the joy just hurry up your cock suck. I'm gonna take my fucking cock it just starts going and you rift and the funny is Formation of words come together and everyone's just cracking up.

They don't have like, cause we don't, I don't have, I'm allergic to cats. So we don't have, but we have a neighborhood cats and they always go on our backyard and they shit, no, they shit and I never knew, I never had cats. So I thought cats shit was like little like bunny shit now. It's like serious shit. I'm constantly like, like, what dog was here?

You can't leave her outside. So my crazy. We've never been dog people in my or animals like I've never had animals. My my kid loves dogs and I we thought about for a minute getting one, but then I realized then I just be there I'd have to take care of the dog. It's three years old. He's not going to do it.

My boy has like, he is just fearless. He'll go up to any dog. Like when he was like one and a half, we went to some family friends. They had like a rot while they're big, scary looking. And he was up there trying to kiss it. We're like, no, no, no. But he was just he goes for it.

Oh, yeah.

I was going to if you're going to read that that place toast and on third over there on the wet and like near West. Good food and we were going with a friend of mine to go sit down one time and we're about to sit and there's this girl like five-year-old girl, you know cute little blonde girl five-year-old and she got like a little bloody nose going and I was like, oh, a pro girl fell or something and then as we're sitting we sit next to this dog and the story comes out that she was up there playing in the dog bit it her nose and cut her Well, we're like, okay, we don't want to sit next to this dog. What kind of dog was it? It was, it looked like a regular, it wasn't any kind of like, it was like a, it wasn't golden ratio, but it was like a regular look. It wasn't like, like a mic. Yeah, it wasn't anything.

It's a girl. I don't know what, what she did or what happened. The dog was still alive. Yeah. Nobody had beaten it. Yeah. Yeah, you would think, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll kick you to death. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm always worried with my son, man. He's just, yeah, you gotta be real careful. He goes right up.

And the animal kingdom. Yeah, the cat, the dog, the bird.

You know how long you'd be out there trying to slingshot. I know. Yeah, you break every window.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's

Yeah. I've had times when like, I don't know if you guys had like the mosquito, the mosquitoes are worse than you're sleeping and then you like ignore it. Ignore it. It keeps coming back and like fuck it. It's on. Lights go on. Now you gotta go around looking for the mosquito against your white wall. Like he disappears. He reappears your swinging shit. Yeah, you're eyes are trying to focus.

Yeah, you know, half hour later like fucking man.

But those are cool, they don't bother you, you know, like smell-girls. But I would say with mosquitoes, like they never have mosquitoes, like mosquitoes, not how to fuck a paradise. Whenever you book a trip, you go down a Mexico, you're like, oh, baby, this is great. Here's the beer, here's the tequila, whatever. And like half an hour later, you start getting video like, oh, that's right. And every time they show those stupid corona commercials where they got like throws his cell phone into the water. I'm like show the fucking mosquitoes, man. It never that comfortable.

Yeah, they're fucking monsters.

But they're but alligators in general are bigger than crocodiles, right?

It's like a Mexican in the guadamalan. Exactly.

But in general, you're right, like I don't know how people like, I mean, once in a while we got mountain lines of stuff, But generally speaking, I, you know, I'm just, you know, with that suck of just hanging out in a crocodile or an alligator, so they'll be in your backyard. Now what do you do? Yeah.

That is hilarious.

Yeah, it happens. Those cops are good man. Yeah. They got alligators working with them. That's like, I was actually, I read, when I, I mentioned the, is it kimono kimoto dragon, right? Yeah. Some guy I read in the paper this guy was like on a boat or something or he was surfing or something happened. I think he was on a boat and he went, and he went shipwrecked. So this poor guy swims to the first piece of land he finds. He swims to the shore and a kimoto dragon confronts him. I was like, this poor guy, can you imagine like he's like a video game. He was like, you survived the thing. And then you show up, you're like, oh, great. Now I kill him. What's next? You know? Did he live? I think he'd live.

That is ruthless.

He's co-suck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. And Anna wasn't generally. I was thinking about that that lady at SeaWorld that got the whale that just took a took her. I mean, Can you imagine, I mean, I can't, I mean, it's terrifying.

Yeah, and then now they learn to jump so you can edit them people clap for you. You don't want people clap for you. That's just well.

He's like the Jacob.

I mean, it's pretty entertaining for your kids, but beyond that, like I took my kid to the to the aquarium at Mandela Bay. And he was a two two and a half of the he was going he would see the shark. He was a shark shark. It would take my head. I was holding he took my head and just twist it to wherever the shark was I was like they should they should hire him out at the front be like you want to tour from this guy and he just takes your head. Yeah But that's different though. That's fish Yeah, that's true. Fish can go fuck themselves.

Yeah. They're super smart. And they seem benign. I mean, I don't know. I'm sure they have both sides, but they seem very. They'll rape you. They'll rape you, but, you know, they'll throw a rape in on your ass. I'll try it out, Juan. Can you imagine that? How do you come back and report?

Oh, you've been to the L.A. Zoo, man. Yeah, I've been to L.A. Zoo. It's just miserable. It's the worst thing. It's not even open. So it's horrible.

And their animals are usually, I mean, it's they seem like every little display you went to, like the animal was just looking for shade. Yeah, he didn't want to entertain you. Yeah. He was just in the corner somewhere looking for shade and then they had like an elephant thing and it was and it was in the back and they had like we didn't make it. The guy was like it's a long long walk.

Yeah, it's like, I went to Kenya once and they have like the animal preserved. So you just go in and they're like, you know, you're actually kind of, it's almost like you're going into their turf now to check it out. So it's not, they're not caged. But it was actually really interesting. So you go somewhere in there. They are just doing their natural thing. It was a lot more natural that seemed the one thing was we were driving back and we saw Rhino. And we were in this little, like they give us this like mini van, not many, yeah, it was, it was a, it was a, it was this little van and we had like this driver. This Kenyan driver, and he wasn't at all like, you know, he wasn't armed. He didn't seem like he was there to protect us. He looked like, remember the God's must be crazy. Remember like the skin. They seemed like that's the guy that was driving her. There was like no defense mechanism. I'm like, so this guy stops and where there's like eight or nine of us, you know, all Westerners and this rhino is like eating. And we're like, look, Rhino, Rhino, and he looks up. And he gives us this like look of death. Like it's almost like you just interrupt this shugnight in the middle of some, you know, business meeting. And we all freaked out. Like it was an intimidating look. We're like, oh, go, go in the guy's like, like, like Fred Flintstone, he like, get the car going. Yeah, exactly. And our friends were telling us what these guys do. I guess they're colorblind the rhinos and they and they just see something and if it if it's disturbing them, they just run they would ramp they would if he would have rammed us and they'll tip you over and now it's you know, whatever, however it plays out it plays out.

Yeah, some shit.

things like this the more I realize like I just want to go to four seasons. It's all good. I know some people are like adventures and we're going to go into the jungle and then I might you go camping bro. I'll be at the four seasons.

That's like, you know, it's funny because like when, you know, when you travel, you realize what you were saying, like it's like the amount of stuff that's going, like the difficulty to live in some other places, like when I went to K, we were for a wedding. Just to go to just to go to Kenya you got to go you got to get like shots for dengue fever yellow fever jungle fever out of all kinds of fever area. Yeah, I'll cut malaria. I was like is it what the where we go?

It was crazy as you got, you got nature and then you've got like rebels fighting each other. I mean, so you might survive the ants, but you're gonna be taken down by the whatever, the colonies, rebel whoever, you know?

Have you ever performed in South Africa every time? No, you haven't, huh? No. They do festivals. I want to go with it. Have you good time?

I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm sick of the, I'm

I mean, you know, I actually, I was, I was, I was, I was thinking it going. I mean, I, I, I, there was like an offer to go this summer. And I was thinking, is I, we say, because I got two young kids now and, and my wife, so I was like, well, maybe I'll just take everybody with me. Right. And I was like, well, maybe take the nanny, too. I started doing the math and like I would be like lose a lot of money.

Yeah, it's a little bit, you know, the Persian community is like, my first probably, it's funny, like, like, trippily one time. Sam Trippily was like, he's like, you're like the Persian Elvis, otherwise known as Pelvis. So, that sounds like a trippily line. So, that's like, you got the Persian Middle Easterners, then you got like Arabs, and then after that, like, then like, you've got like, MPR types that are into like world. It's actually pretty funny though. It's actually good to like do stand up in in front of people that know the difference between Iran and Iraq. You know what I'm saying? As opposed to like doing in front of someone who's like what the fuck you, you know what I'm saying? So no, it's so it so it has become a thing what happened was in O seven when we were still doing the exit evil me I'm at an air and we went out to and this is a tour that you guys we had a tour process of evil companies actually evil comedy tour it was it actually originally started with Mitchie Shore who put us together and called it the Arabian Knights That's right. This was in 2000. She put it as the Arabian Knights and Iranians aren't Arabs. So we do shows and like inevitably like Iranians would come up after it would be like it was a good show, but we're not Arabs. And I was like, I know. And Iranians are very sensitive about that. I actually read a national geographic article. This journalist went in Iran and said, I was interviewing people and he goes, I asked people, what do you want the world to know about you? Is it the first thing they would always say is we're not Arabs. The second thing we're not terrorists. So it's like it's better to be a terrorist than an Arab in their mind. You know, that's kind of an America.

Yeah, so you know the negative shit exactly exactly.

Yeah, the green movement was the because what happened was an oh nine there was elections and there was obviously voter fraud But they so then there was protests in the streets actually that was kind of that was the first time where I had Americans coming up to me going like Wow, there's so so many beautiful women like they're like because the protesters there's a lot of women in them and there was dudes in jeans So people would come up and go like Oh, are they supposed to be wearing burkas and like turbines? I'm like no man. I'm like This Iran is like an international city of it

Yeah, even those, I mean, like Afghanistan, I think is probably the one that's like the least developed, you know, but even those countries, like if you, you know, they have a lot of Western influences and also a lot of, you know, especially with technology and stuff now, there's a lot of people that are advancing these countries, especially if you're going to major city You know, you're going to see hustle and bustle. You're going to see some dude driving Mercedes-Benz as a multi-millionaire. And they can see some dude pushing a cart who's making five bucks a year or something. You know what I'm saying? So this exists. But it's like, I think a lot of people's image of the Middle East is just dudes and turbines and women and burcas. And it's like, first of all, the burcas is pretty exclusive to Afghanistan where they would wear the full thing, the blue thing, the under the Taliban, where they had to cover themselves. And they could just barely see it like that little mesh.

It could be kind of sexy.

That's what we did actually. We did a show in Saudi Arabia with Ahmed and after the show a lot of people that come to our shows are either they've either traveled in the West or they're Western educated or they're expats. So, you know, after the show taking pictures and all the people coming up, and this one girl came up in one of those, like, she was fully covering stuff for the eyes. And she took a picture with us, and I was like, what the fuck? Like, no one's gonna, like, what the heck is- You can be anybody.

Bring some people over here. Yeah, yeah. It's funny because actually in because so now so you got so you got the burka which is Afghanistan then you got like the veil kind of thing with the eyes covered which is like a Saudi Arabia do that a lot then like any Ron you get some that are religious that will cover like their hair and everything but you see the full face then you got like Dubai we got you got these girls as ridiculous they they wear the like the thing and and but it's all like they're blinged out like you'll see you'll see like designer shoes this even the even the thing that covers them they put like little like diamond studs on them is stuff really it's the weirdest thing yeah and then it's actually there they're they're pretty cute like they like they they and then there's because there's become this thing there now we're like the women it's weird like they want their like the hair to seem like it's puffier so they'll take like a can like thing like this and the whole hair up in the bump and then they put it there so it looks kind it looks very like Star Wars. You know, like a princess in Star Wars.

I mean, there's no one canoby shit. Yeah, it is. It is some Obi-Wan Kenobi. Actually, you know what the Obi-Wan Kenobi? You know what? I was in, um, I went to Morocco just to travel, not to do shows. This was years ago in the Morocco and we went to Fez, which is a coolest place. The Fez cap comes from that. You know, the Fez cap, the like that with a little thing. Right. Anyway, and they told us, I went there with now my wife, who was in my girlfriend, and she was studying in the South of Spain, so we took a boat over. And we had no preparation. You should research before you go. So we're like, on our way on the boat, we're reading this like little guidebook. And it goes, whatever you do, don't accept a guide. Because they're going to infest, they're going to try and come up to and want to be your guide. And talk to the hotel to get you a guide. We didn't have it. We didn't have a hotel. Like we didn't know where we're going to stay. And my girlfriend at the time kept saying, she said, my wife and she's like, we need to go to the old city. That's that's supposed to be really nice to the old city. Now, I don't speak Arabic, I speak Farcee. So I had no idea how you say Old City in Arabic, but the Moroccan is they speak French. I've taken three years of French. So the whole time in the train, I'm like, how do you say Old City in French? I'm like, it's it, La Cita, you know, Vecchio, you know, I was like, that's not it. So I finally asked some dude, he's like, oh, L'ancienneville. That means the ancient city, L'ancienneville. So, so, our plan was just land and feds, find a cab and say, take us to L'ancienneville. So we get in the cabin, the cab driver's like, where in the lawn feel? I'm like, just lawn see all of it. You know, he's like, a hotel? I'm like, yeah, I was like, oh, they just go to some hotels. So the dude takes us, we go into the ancient city. And then right when we get there, some guy like flags him down, he comes, the dude walks over the passenger side and leans his head in and says something in Arabic to the driver. And then he leans to us. He goes, hello, I will show you, you look for hotel. He's not like Borat. I swear to God, you look for hotel. And we're like, no, we're okay. He's like, no, I will show it. Don't worry. And he got into the car. I'm like shit. We're getting kidnapped. And he takes us to some like, like they have these like old homes that are turning the hotels was really nice. But like nobody was staying there. So he takes us there. Anyway, so he becomes our guide unintentionally. He's now our guide. I'm like, what? You were told to. So it was door to void. I tell my wife and like shit. Now we got a guide. Like, how do we tell them? No, he's like, don't worry. You don't I show you around. If you like, then maybe you can give something. He didn't even like bring up the money thing. Like he's just he's like, let me take it here. Then he said, let me take it. I would have kicked that motherfucker right out of there. Dude, it's one of these situations though where you're like, okay, this guy's a local, he kind of, I mean, you feel intimidated because you're like, they know each other somehow. Like, I don't want to like, you just, you kind of like, let's go along, but just be ready to run at any minute. So we ended up in some, he's like, let me take you for dinner. We go to this restaurant. I'm not kidding. There was like balloons and banners. All this shit was up, but there was no one, we were the only two eating in the restaurant. And the waiter comes out, the waiter was so excited to see us. He's like, hello, hello. And it's like the waiter was the waiter slash the cook slash the owner. Like he would like go cook in the back and then come sit and watch this eat. It was a crazy shit. Wow. But the Obi-Wan Kenobi shit. Those crazy is these guides. They actually wear the Obi-Wan Kenobi. like the the gown with the hat like during the day they wear it and that's the official like Fez like guide outfit like that's an official guide like the government I think recognizes them as guides and the weird one when I realized it was Obi-Wan Kenobi and I was like George Lucas must have come to Fez and come up with this because my wife and I the next day she got the guy goes I'm going to show you the castle today And we're like, all right. So he takes us to like the castle. He's like, OK, I cannot come close. You go, I come. I see at other side. I guess they don't let the guides come. So we go. We take a picture too. And then we're like, how's the guy going to find us? And we start walking and across the, and I'm looking for the guy literally across the street in one of those Obi-Wan Kenobi. Because that's what he's shown up with. Obi-Wan Kenobi outfits like with the hood on. he's kind of cross the street watching us nodding and he's like keep walking so he kind of kept an eye on us and you know how like in Star Wars like Obi-Wan was kind of weird like that like disappeared and so I was like I was like George Lucas must've come here and gotten a guide and then it came up with a fucking Obi-Wan Kenobi wow that's so weird so how long is this guide outfit existed Dude, the guide outfit was his day outfit, and then by night he would show kind of dressed regularly.

I didn't ask about the outfit. I just realized there was a bunch of guys with the outfit around. It was basically, you'd have your clothes underneath and just throw the robe on. It's almost like, yeah, it's almost like a judge. They just put it over.

It's funny you say that because they actually first of all they do have pet monkeys out there that like like do do tricks and stuff But what he did was he took us to a rug store That he's like you want to see rugs and I'm like and at the time I was living with my mom like I was dating my girlfriend, but I was living with my mom and I didn't have an apartment So I had nowhere to put rugs. I was like no, I don't need a rug He's like, there's just come, we look at the rug, you know, and so finally, like we go into this place. These guys, the Moroccans are the biggest sales people, like they will fucking, they will push you to Dubai. Like the guy, he came, I was like, you want, I look at the rug, I was like, I don't really want to look at Roy, he's like, just look, it's okay. So, and then they bring you up mint tea. So now I'm looking at, you know, my girl, I'm like, oh, this is fun. They're going to give us free mint tea and all we gotta do is look at some drugs. And he's like, okay, out of these 10 with you like, I'm like, those are kind of nice. He's like, okay, I give to you for, you know, whatever, $5,000. I'm like, dude, I don't have a place to put on. He's like, okay, which three do you like? I was like, I don't want any. He started negotiating. I don't even know I was negotiating. Finally, I'm like, okay, first of all, waiting for her to bust in with like, look dude, we don't want the fucking rugs. But she's just sitting there going like, she's like, because later on I asked her, I was like, why don't you bust in? She's like, I thought you're the man you're gonna take. I was like, no, you gotta come in. It's like the tie to ask. And then finally, what was funny was, I was like, oh, I got, I got the Trump card here because it was literally in some back alley. with like like barely like they barely had like like the door like you know there's all old school like like the bells like when there was nothing technical about the place I'm like I got the trump card right here I'm just gonna let the dude know I got no cash bro I got credit cards and I said that and he's like

He went and got those old roller. You know, the old thing. And then they, they sold me three rugs. Yeah. I'm not kidding. And the funny thing is, they shipped it to the America and I'm not kidding. I had no place to put them for six months. I drove around with three rugs in my trunk. And I was just like I was like I gave him away to relatives and had apartments like I actually have started to talk about it and stand up and I go like for six months I was going around trying to sell it to relatives, you know, you just look have some minty, you know But that's how they get you man, but it's like but that's like we you know 1200 bucks man 1200 bucks. I have no idea what they I don't know if they're worth it. I have no idea he scored he scored on you. Oh, yeah, they they ate for for months

Oh, yeah. wheels were crazy. Yeah, wheels were crazy.

And I'm in it.

That's the problem in these places is the cops or even you got to look out for the cops. Yeah, they're trying to rob you man. I had that in Mexico where the guy because then what they do is like first of all you walk into like the Mexican the Mexican Bazar I went into like there's nobody there. It was a dead. It was like middle of the day. No one's there and I walk in there and the guy's like hey You want to buy like a bag or whatever you want to buy shoes. I'm like, no, it's always like about some weed. I'm like, no, it's like cocaine. I'm like, no, and then he's like fucking pussy. Like they like turn on your like what happened? Maybe we're broke.

Yeah, man. We gotta get out of here, man.

I'm actually scheduled to do some show in Mexico like in the fall and what's funny is like, you know, people are always scared of the Middle East and stuff, but like my wife and I were talking about like, you know, all these kidnappings and stuff going on in Mexico and it's like, is it worth going down there and, you know, I'm thinking about the same thing like Cabo, I was just thinking of going somewhere in Mexico, but is it even worth going it?

I was in Acropoco was good. It was a nice resort. It's actually funny before all this was kind of going on like, five, six years ago, I went to Cabo and we were staying at the Hilton. It was a nice place and it was kind of funny because everyone was out there obviously, you know, tourists and their bathing suits. And these two dudes showed up. It was like, it was like keystone cut. It wasn't keystone cut. It was like, it was like bumbling idiot criminals. They showed up these two guys with empty bags, like duffle bags almost, with their shirts off as if they're tourists with jeans, Obviously not tourists like and there were two Mexican dudes walking around the pool like just checking shit out it like look at this walking around looking for a place to like like start snatching things and I like my wife was like did those guys seem like they fit in here. She's like no, I was like I better tell somebody and went over to the management like Those two dudes don't look like they're hotel clients. And the next thing you know, they're getting escorted out. They walked in, but it's like they did not buy, you know, invest in a bathing suit. So obviously look the part. They were in there with their jeans with their shirts off. You know, obviously not, you know, just did not fit in at all.

And they're doing crazy shit like rolling heads into disco techs and shit. You know what about that? Like kill people and roll head. I mean at what point do you go? I killed them. I cut off his head. Roll that into disco tech.

It does seem like a pretty crazy. And it feels like after... I don't know how they were before World War II, but it feels like after World War II they became more capitalistic than we are. You know, like if you see like any footage I've seen ever, it's like, you know, like the neon lights and the, and just like the amount of like the Japanese and the products they love and you know, it's just... I don't think there is materialistic as us though.

They do they do I've always said the Japanese seem to be the most European of Asians Yeah, like they're very much into like like you said it's kind of a different it seems like a different look You know, they're a little like hipper in their way. You don't understand?

Someone was telling me that somebody told me that they went to a bar or something in Japan and people were lined up like at the bar as opposed to like the idea of just comment the bizarre mentality. Right. That's pretty crazy if you think about that.

Oh, it's a great movie in a read to the director. Do you ever see a motis peros?

The dude, he's an intense. He's a great director. He's done like he's done. I've seen a few of his movies. I think he also did 21 grams. I might be mistaken, but he did. Yeah, so he's got like the movies I've seen him do all have like two or three stories and they all kind of intertwined somehow. And this one Babel was amazing and it had like three stories going on. One of them was it's Brad Pitt and not Naomi Watts, but I figured her name. Anyway, they go to Morocco and they're visiting Morocco and some shit goes down and then there's another story of a Mexican family who's trying to get to a wedding, I think, across the board, and then they get into some trouble. And then there's a story of this Japanese girl, this is what I've told myself. Japanese thing, it's so amazing. This girl, I think she should have won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress that year. She plays a death girl. who's like just depressed and living with her dad and the stuff and she's just as an actor like I don't know how you play deaf and I don't know how you do it that well like it's the most amazing thing and what was really cool about it was so this girl's like a party girl like having a good time with her friends but she's depressed and what was this intense scene where like they're out they're party and I think they do access here something and they end up at a nightclub And it's a coolest thing because suddenly it goes from her perspective. Imagine like from a deaf person's perspective, a nightclub. So like it's like, it's like really loud. But she's not hearing the whole thing. It's just kind of like, it's like muddled. And she's kind of looking around. And it's the most intense shit. I'm kind of getting goosebumps. You got to see it. What's it called? This is called Babel. B-A-B-E-L. It has a great soundtrack too. And, and, and, and, and, and. And this girl killed it and she ended up losing to Hudson, Jennifer Hudson from Dream Girls was at the movie. And I saw her. I saw some of that. I didn't see the whole thing in that. But I think that she won because it was like a popular, like she's saying. I'm sure there was some good acting in it. But this girl just knocked it out. Like as an actor to sit there and watch somebody kill it like that, you're like damn. You know, but it was all Japan and it was it was pretty cool.

Crazy is that. You know what's interesting is when you realize like that's good to know like when you realize sometimes the motivation behind some things like my dad before he passed so he used to tell me that a lot of the molas in Iran They're like a lot of people in Iran smoke opium. It's like smoking weed, but it's opium. And he was saying that a lot of these molas actually smoke opium. And I ended up doing a bit about, you know, staying up about how the reason these guys are talking shit to America is because they're high. And suddenly start making sense. Like even like cadafi supposedly it's just high on all kinds of meds. And so you realize why the guys out there talking like he's fucking Tony Montana. I don't know if you've seen some of the quotes, but he's like, I'm gonna fight to the death. So you know, somebody might give him like credit is like, I mean his followers would be like, credit for like, oh, this guy's got balls. He's stand up to America. But no, the guy's fucking high. He's just talking shit. And the same thing with these guys that are kamikaze, you know, I was like, oh, wow, there's a lot of balls to do that. Yeah, if you're fucking high on meth, he like, yeah, I think I'm about to fucking take on this fucking boat with my little plane.

it was, so this was actually an actual thing that happened and it was based on a true story. No, no, no, no.

Unique Olympics. Yeah. What year was that?

Oh, yeah. Well, they say even like if you go back to like the whole Jewish Palestinian thing, like before, before Israel became a state, the Jews were doing terrorist acts to try and get, you know, to get more locks. Yeah, to get more locks. Yeah. No, I mean, always, you know, an oppressed people are always doing the terrorist act, you know? But no, but that the thing with what you talk about air travel and stuff, now even now when you travel, when you go to different parts of the world, it's amazing to see their take on terrorism and their take through the airport. Like I've just seen like, I've been like, I've been of airports now, sometimes in the Middle East, where the dudes like straight up, like like he's talking on his phone as you're like the TSA guy is on your piece talking on a phone just like it go ahead and I was joking I was like he's like go ahead you know you know you can go because you know because you know what we're all terrorists like you know like that was my day in the jokingly But like I've had that you know I've had I've had dudes like on the phone not paying attention I had I saw one TSA dude literally like he was he was kind of He kind of like moved out of the way and he was checking out chicks asses as they would walk by like that's where his mind was In Australia you do in Australia like I've done this like again like on domestic fights you can take liquids on And I don't know, I don't know what the deal, I got was about to throw the water away. And the guy's like, no, bring it on, it's so raw. And I'm like, that's kind of weird.

Different places, different takes on it. The whole thing's ridiculous. Or like, I'm sorry, I landed when I, when I, when my wife was studying in south of Spain, she was studying Marbeia, which is like known to be like a drug, like drug slash, like, you know, uh, mafia, all these like Russian mob, anyone who's doing some illegal shit goes to Marbeia. And when I landed at the airport, like you know how like usually there's like you know customs this and that there's no like you could just I was like I could have like a bag filled with heroin right now and they're like come on in man so it's known for being like an illegal yeah if you go down the zone I'll tell you I realized like I was walking on the it's beautiful I was walking on the little boardwalk I saw this like big you know how Russian some Russian dudes are just like they're big this guy was big yet like the short kind of short shorts no shirt on like black socks all the way up to the knee on a cell phone just walking like with a gold chain I'm like that dude's Russian mom like come on man I was like Tony soprano going out for a walk you know

Yeah. Well, the thing about the Russians, too, is like, again, I talk about this on the stage and it's total truth. It's like, They like if you watch any time like there's something going on like there's I would say like whenever there's a hostage situation like these guys are so badass. They shoot with a military shows up and they just kill everybody. They're not they're like yeah, we might save some we might say some hostages, but they'll probably die. Yeah, you know, they just they're better. We're going to kill the hostage takers kill the hostage. We might kill each other. They're so badass. And that's why I'm serious. It's like the biggest mobsters in Russia. It's like Vladimir Putin is like these the leader When he left his prime minister, he made the other guy, which his name, his name just slipped my mind right now, but he brought the other guy in as the president and then he just became prime minister. It's like, when you push it like that, It's like, all right, this dude. It's gangster shit. It's gangster shit. Yeah. Yeah, and he's a black belt in judo. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Again, I saw the press conference is the contrast. If you can like YouTube, but maybe like there's a like after September 11, there's a press conference with Bush and Putin. And you know, like Bush was like with the speech, you know, with us are against the smoke amount of the whole whole who, you know, and Putin was just straight up like, what are you guys going to do? He's like, we're going to kill them. Like, who is like, anyone wearing a turban would kill? You know, it's like, you see it in his eyes? Like, he's like, he's thinking like, okay, I will say what I need to say. But afterwards, some dying is going to happen.

Yeah. They're pretty badass. You know what I always say? Like I don't fuck with Russia's man.

Dude, that's got to be the worst way to go. Can you imagine if you're like walking home with your girlfriend or, you know, wife after like dinner one night? And you're like, oh, that was a great dinner.

It's crazy. I got two thoughts getting my one one was I remember as a kid and you run and Tehran I was a bit I live when I was six and I remember my dad was like my dad was was like a manly man like he's just like you know like and he was and he was a self-made millionaire and Iran so like he was like back then like he was like the godfather like the shitty would do for people he was like the godfather like straight up like Don Corley on like come to him whatever you need done but he but in all his friends were like wrestlers and shit like like tough dudes a lot of wrestlers yeah and then my dad was a big drinker because he was from the north northern Iran Tabriz was near the border of Russia so vodka was like water like they would drink it all so I just have this memory of my dad we were coming home from a party he was obviously drunk he was driving us home And there was a pack of wild dogs like down the block from where we live. And my dad was so crazy like like manly. He pulled the car over and picked up a couple rocks and started chasing the pack of dogs.

Yeah, and I'm sitting there. I'm sitting there as a kid. I'm like, damn, my dad is bad ass. You know, when you grow up, you're like, no, man, my dad was frog.

Yeah, yeah, definitely wrestling is one of our big sports there, and it's a huge thing like that.

Yeah, yeah. It's wrestling and weightlifting, too. It's another one. The Iranians always compete. It's kind of weird. It's manly country. Yeah, manly countries. But it's funny. The other thought that came to mind with the wars, when you talk about the wars, is having a kid. I'm sure you've seen it. It's funny how these children's books, and obviously big bad wolf, but once in a while they'll be like, you know. This such you know the cute little wolf or the cute little like some animals at like you know the hippo my my son loves hippos you just aren't like hippos are known for the most deaths in but my son's like I like you know hippo the hippo and like they're so cute and my polar bears is so coke oh yeah exactly Coca-Cola yeah yeah monsters yeah crazy fucking evil cons yeah yeah big it's funny like you could do like a you could do like a spoof like a behind like a like a behind the scenes you know like some actors that are like so lovable end up being such assholes yeah exactly that's hilarious yeah like the fucking the star baseball player tells a kid to go fuck himself yeah

Can you imagine the thought, like one of my thoughts at that point would be, Are they like are they supposed to run faster like I'd be starting to think about fast. Do you know what they like have I ever heard of a news piece about these guys?

You gotta out distance some people

The internet's a beautiful thing in this respect. Yeah. You know, you said that picture that, and Tom on Africa stuff, have you seen those pictures? I think it was, might have been Mogadishu. Have you seen those pictures of these guys when they were chasing dudes with machetes? Did you remember that shit? There was like something going on. I think it was Mogadishu. He might have been that. Yeah, that would be a Rwanda then. Yeah. The two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, the two, He said they're gonna like, take a picture of this shit, you know? I'd be like, okay, I could tell the story. I'm not gonna fucking, and then the third, it's just that poor guy is like, he's gonna get, they're gonna catch him and they're gonna fucking chop him to pieces. Yeah. That is crazy.

Hootsu too. I don't have internet.

But just war in general, like they were talking about, they just caught one of these other Serbs Serbian leaders. Remember there's Malosevic and then there was another guy that just caught a frigate as name, but they've got all these counts of human atrocities against them. He was a general, I guess, and he would go into town and they would capture the enemies and then they would say, he was like, you know, hey, it's all good. We just wanted to capture the town. So all the men, you guys can come out and we'll let you go. and the men will come out and they would get them out by saying like it's all good and once they come out like they would massacre the men and they would rape the women. I mean it's just like why do you gotta do that? It's like you know what I'm saying?

It was so surreal. It's like, I heard sting in an interview. He said he knew he was starting to make it when he was at some meeting in some office in the high-rise. And he's, I don't know if this is true or not. He said, he saw the guy outside clean the window. And the guy was like singing Roxanne or something. I just said that the minute.

Dude, as a kid, that might have been one of my favorite movie moments. Cause I went into that movie being a huge Eddie Murphy fan. How could you not? And then when they introduce some like that, you're like, he just, he basically lived up to everything you expected. And then that movie just got, but I watched that movie now. Like, you know, when he goes into the bar, you know, you best have yourself a black Russian. Yeah. Yeah, you know, like, there's a new share of the time. That name is Rich Hammond.

And he was like 22 with that point.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Yeah.

Yeah. He was very funny. Actually, I rented some like old videos and there was a comet like a national competition. And they were, they showed the top five winners. And he was fifth place. And everyone, and ahead of them, they're not allowed to do anything. They're gone.

It's funny because when people asked me about how I got into comedy, I was in college and I thought about doing it a few times and I was always intimidated because I'd done acting as like in plays, but I was always intimidated, getting in front of an audience and talk about my point of view. So I was in college and I saw these two guys and they were just horrible. It was a comedy competition. And so I told myself, the next time there's a competition, I'm just going to do it. So I always tell you, I say, you get inspired by greatness and mediocrity. I was inspired by mediocrity. And the funny thing is, just like, maybe a year, a year and a half ago, I met the comedy store in the original room on a Tuesday. And I just came off like this big tour in Australia where I was like, headline in front of a lot of people. And you know, it was like automatic. I called on a Monday, just gave a veils for every night. And so I get a Tuesday night show, so I go off and it's like the crowd's not that great. I'm not in doing it. I'm like, I just got off the road doing, you know, thousand people and like in an hour, 20 and now I got to do 15 minutes. I don't want to try anything new. I was like, I don't even want to be here. I was like, what I do this? I get on stage. I'm just all over the place. Nothing's really hidden. The only person laughing is Johnny's app. You know, Johnny's app. Yeah, sure. And what's funny about Johnny's app is in the past. When I first became a regular at the communist or Johnny's app actually, I had like given like he watched the set one time and like he started giving me tags and I didn't know who he was because he'll tell he's like I was around with Richard prior was here this and that so I thought he was like a genius of comedy so he gave me like some tags and and quickly I realized I was like no this is just a do the hangs out crazy is crazy to the hangs out like you know because then he started giving me the tag like this is horrible tags So I'm sitting on stage. I'm kind of dying and zap is the only one laughing and I'm like thank you Johnny and and then I'm getting ready to get off stage and Steve burns the next comic and Steve always like does like a long kind of joky intro for me like whenever who's next mom's your brownie I don't know who that is Whatever this next guy. I'm not sure if you guys want to watch him. He'll do like that. So I start doing that to Steve and I'm just riffing a little bit and it's just getting like this is a very mediocre set. I'm walking out stage. Zap waves me down. It's a Tuesday night. I'm like, oh God, Zap's got a tag for me. And he goes, hey man, Eddie Murphy's here. And I thought he was in the main room because Eddie Murphy's always in the main room. So I thought he's like, oh, I didn't represent the mirror. I was like, so what? So I started walking and as I'm walking Eddie was Eddie was sitting the whole set watching my set in midsea seat. You know, midsea seat. I walked past Eddie. I'm like, oh my god, I just died in front of my comedy hero. I walked down the steps. I turn around waiting for my buddy who's coming to get me. We're gonna go to the LaFactory. Eddie walks down in front of my buddy. He gives me the quick little look. Doesn't say anything. Just keep walking. So in the back of my mind, the only saving grace is I'm thinking to myself, okay, he's gonna make a comeback. He's gonna end up on the tonight show. I think it'll be like, what inspired you to come back? And he'd be like, you know, I was watching this mediocre set one time because I'm the reason he came back.

Oh my god, I was just and I mean because oh and here's the funny thing was halfway through the set. I'm not kidding. It was a Tuesday night as I was kind of like because the whole time I'm going Just get it together and get through it and be funny. And part of me is like, I'm all over the place. So my head's really not into it. And I'm not even like, cause sometimes I go up there and just go, I'm gonna riff for five minutes for new material. I just wasn't, you know, either you're up there, I'm like, why don't you put in? So halfway through the set, I'm like, dude, get your shit together and make it a good set cause somebody might be in the audience. And I swear to God, the past 12 years I've been there, I have never had that thought. And I thought to myself, and then the other voice, the comedy store voice came in my head, I was like, Who the fuck's gonna be in this eye? You know, and who cares? Like the whole point of the comedy story is to go with who cares? Like, you know, exactly. And so it was one of those like, who cares? It was who getting in this audience and has any kind of influence of agent or something? It's fucking Eddie Murphy.

No, not at all. It's and what's but I bet I'll be honest because that's where I actually grew as a comp like I I just I'd done one year a comedy then I became it then I became a regular comedy store and it was great because there was no pressure It was like you're gonna I got used to shit crowds that was what was weird when I started performing the Lafactory and there's real crowds

And it's weird seeing guys who started in town and started at one of the clubs with audiences. I actually saw a couple of comics one time. I saw this the last factory. One comic go like, oh, I'm not going after so and so. And I was like, oh, that's an option. I didn't realize that's an option.

And he goes. And also, and also, what happened? The weirdest one I had was one time it was one of these thin nights, not a much of an audience. Dice does a stop in. He's gonna do like an hour and the crowd is a thin crowd, but it's his crowd. They start loving him and I'm trying to like work on it. It was like kind of towards like the Iraq war and I'm trying to work on some like war and type warship political shit and he's doing like, you know, you know, fuck ass and fuck this up. He's doing it doing it doing it and they're loving them and then it was weird. He does one joke and somehow there's feedback on the mic and he just looks at the mic for a second. It looks at the audience. He drops the mic and he walks off. And the piano player is not there. There's no one there. No one is like you said no one is running the asylum. Yeah. And nobody even said like who's next? It's just dead. And the audience is kind of like, that's weird. And no one's there. So I'm like, I'm next. I got to go up. So I had to go up on stage and be like, no way. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Sometimes it works well. If you go in there with like, I'm fucked mentality. Yeah. If you write the wave, that's good. And like one time I did one time, they were, they were doing something in the main room. It was like, it was the black film festival. and they had a comedy show and it was supposed to be headline by Eddie Griffin. So people had to actually come expecting Eddie and Eddie walked in and saw that they'd so tickets and he's like, I'm not getting paid or something. He got upset about something. He's like, I'm not going up. So then someone came to me and they're like, hey, we need you to get in there. The clothes out the show so they were expecting the Eddie Griffin and I walk up and it was so funny because they just everyone just got up and started walking out and like there was like one table that hung out and literally like I was so like defeated the top that I just I was like thanks for hanging out I said I feel like I'm I'm the I'm the rolling credits at the end of the film And I'm for the film president if it was just leaving and that one table was with me because it was all safe self-deprecating material because it was like, you know, what am I doing here and it was like 15 20 minutes of that and you live sometimes though if you go into that situation where it's still kind of a hot crowd and and then you go in and now you got to perform and and and it's like they get, you know, they're not laughing and and then you try some crowd work and it's not working I had that on a mobile at a Monday, it's been the improv one time. And it was funny because I got in good, because I did Friday after next. So I had some street cred in the black, black, black community. The black community. And as a holy moly donut shop, this character in the movie. So I've been doing, you know, I did chocolate sundays. I did the Kobe store one. And then I overheard a few people talking about how mobile at a Monday's was one of the toughest black rooms. I was like, how tough could it be? And I'm getting ready to go on. And this one other comic was like, hey man, you got your shit together. And Tripoli was there too. He's like, listen bro, just hang in there. And I went up there and I ate so much shit because it was this like, it was a crowd because you go in there. It was early in the show and you expect it to be a good crowd. And it's one of those things where you get like a couple of laughs and like you hear the pin drop kind of thing and then you try another joke and not work and then you try some crowd work and it's not working. And then you start going against your own instincts. So your instincts like okay attack that attack the chick wearing the pink, you know, whatever the pink fucking antennas for whatever, you know, attack the dude in the purple leather suit, you know, it's just funny. But then you're like no, they're gonna kick you around. So you just, and then you're just going to like, Give me that light man.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Right. Yeah. But the other good thing that you learned when you do that, because I remember learning this early on. I was like, never believe the hype, because sometimes I'm nice. You'll kill and you're like, I am God. You know, and then it's a nice you die and like you like depressed, I was like you can never go with like the good thing about these lessons on those things is to go listen man my shit's funny. They didn't work tonight, but my that's a funny joke that's a funny joke. I've had sex before where and usually it happens in the communist or original rumors not like an all black crowd is like this crowd of a crowd of like you know, few Norwegians, couple of Aussies, couple of LA, you know, hipsters. It's all this like mixed crowd. And I'm having a blast. And they're not laughing. And I've seen comedians like be like, you know, you guys don't get it. But I don't even go to the you don't get it. I just go like, guys, that was a funny, like I'm kind of like, you guys don't want to be on the right. That's fine. I think that was funny. You know, and I know I'm funny. So fuck you guys. And I've got another eight minutes and I'm done, you know?

I love actually. I love like I always say like I don't like to be in front of everyone that knows me. One reason is you feel like okay they might have heard a lot of this shit. Yeah. Even if it's new now with the internet it's gone. Yeah. And secondly, I love, I just, like, for example, one thing that happens with my audiences is like, what happened was when we first did the X's evil comedy tour, came out on Comedy Central, and a lot of young like Middle Easterners started following us, but then they started bringing their parents. growing up in the middle eastern community like it's like you know you're very like you don't go to blue like you know you've got to be nice and polite I mean you could get you know get a little edgy but you don't cost you know like there's a whole thing like for the longest time with my mom and my like I was just it was still to me don't cost definitely not around you know Persians you're not gonna cost How much do you cut on stage ever? I don't cut much. I cut a little bit, but I actually was funny is I like now what I do is if I make a reference to something like there's a joke I do where I mention masturbation. I actually make fun of, that's why I love having a mixed audience, because I look at the white guy in the audience, I go, now hey Mike, right now there's a table of Persians going, oh my God, he said masturbation, you know, I brought my mother, she doesn't speak English, now I have to translate masturbation at the farce. So I riff on what they're thinking and inevitably there's always like this one table that's dying of laughter and I've had people come out after the show be like dude I was here with my mom when you were saying that shit it was totally true and the mother's totally cool with it I was just I had this recently it at the Tampa improv I was doing it and there was literally this old very like distinguished sweet older lady that was the mother of this other lady so the other lady was like my mom's age the other the mother was like my like a grandmother's age and I said masturbation I did the riff and the funny part of the whole thing was as I was doing the riff the mother was leaning into the grandmother translating everything and I was like holy shit it's actually happening and the crowd loved it because I was making fun of it but it was actually happening oh that's funny yeah that's funny where do you like performing the best god i love i mean I mean, I still love the original room just for creativity purposes, you know. And then what Jamie did with that Tuesday night thing. I mean, I guess, look, we all love killing in front of our audiences, like whenever like some of the cities I love, like DCs, one of my favorite cities. First of all, one of the things I love about DC, it's very international. Secondly, everyone in DC is doing shit. Like whenever I spend a couple days in DC, you meet people like, hey, where do you work? I work at state. Oh, what's state department? Oh, okay. Cool. What do you do? I would get the agency agency. See, I ain't. People are actually like doing, and I would say like what I went there.

No, it's also the CIA. No, dude, it's a crazy thing. I was like, I was there recently. I was like, what's going on about you guys is like, if I'm in LA, I'd be like, what are you doing? I'm working on a movie about a spy who goes to South America to overthrow the government. When you come to DC, what are you doing? I'm a spy who's going to go to South America to overthrow America. But it's just you feel like you're in the heart of like you meet people that mean like our doing shit. I remember one time being that actually I had a moment. I remember I was there. It was right at the time of like right in the heart of the Bush administration. I remember a homeless security Tom Ridge. Remember him? He was the first guy. And you see him on TV and he's a talking head. He's an older dude. I was outside this like fancy restaurant in DC. And he's sitting there talking to this like attractive young girl. Kind of like you could tell his body language was all flirty you know? And he's a big dude too. And I was like, this guy's just trying to get pussy, like everyone else. He's the head of home that's security. You want me to, you want, you want, you want to see the terror alert go to orange? You want to see the red button? Yeah, true. But you see those kinds of guys when you're out there as opposed to LA. As opposed to, like, anywhere. I mean, you don't, you don't see that, you know, do you need to live out here still?

Yeah, most of my words on the road. I mean, I listen, LA, I love LA and that my family's here. A lot of my friends are here and weather wise, you know, how does when you travel around the world, you come back. Like, I was in Norway and it's like, naked, you land at like a negative three with windshield, windshield. It's like windshield factor. It's, you know, negative 15 or even Chicago. Yeah. It's a great city. But in December, it's a month of fucker. I'm like, What is wrong with you people? And the beauty of LA, I always say the great thing about LA, it's so close to such, so many great places. I grew up in the Bay area, so I love going up to the Bay. You go to Santa Barbara, you go to Vegas, you go to San Diego, everything's close by.

But I mean, you know what is it is funny like whenever I go to New York I love New York in terms of like it's like a playground for adults like you just jump into cab to go to the next restaurant you go to the next club you go to what are you all night you want to live there I would want to know what I actually I'd always thought I wanted to live there and then I did two projects out there where I was there for four months at a time and it was like I got an apartment at the corner house in six which was like the heart of the village and was like this is the best place dude from seven a.m. till three a.m. every day it was like noise outside it was just so like cars panking and and construction and I was like you know New York I think is good if you're in your 20s and you got your buddies and you're all making some money And he just wanted to run around like I guess the ratio of women to men is like this like I don't know it's like 55 to 45 or something really a lot more women to men and there's a lot of models walk around here.

all the influence they have over you all the people around you all the time I just don't think you can have real peace there I don't think you can relax well that's what's crazy is when I was living there and those stance like I remember coming home one weekend and I went we have a house here and I remember hearing a bird chirping outside I was like I've not heard a bird chirping I said for you. He's got a bird chirping. He's got the alarm noise. The bird chirping that the church different different noises. No, but New York is New York is great to visit and party and stuff. And even the weather. It goes back to the weather. It's like, I've had the crazy experiences in New York where I'm like, oh, it's a sunny day. I walk into a meeting. I walk out and is pouring rain. I'm like, what the hell happened? And it's hot and humid. That's most of the world.

Where was it? Where was it? Where was it? Where was it? Where was it?

That's the one where Martin Shore plays like a gay wedding dinner. Yeah, a gay wedding dinner. Like a German gay wedding. He's actually very funny.

That is weird.

Yeah. That's weird in general. Like, I don't know, like, I've done a few tours in my life, like, even if it's like, at a, at a, like a museum. I guess so bored so fast. I'm like, I don't need to spend an hour free to tell me about this painting and the painter and I just read five minutes move on. Much less sitting the fucking van. And we're like, oh, Kevin Smith, Lou, he's on so lives here. I'm like, get me off this fucking bus.

Well, that's what it's like, you know, in terms of, yeah, I mean, the Persian community, like, knows me as a celebrity. It's actually funny. I just, I was at a LAX two days ago and had all these like flight problems and we're running around from Southwest trying to get to American Airlines and coming back. And then I, you know, I got the Google alerts so like it sends me like if you ever get mentioned and something like it sends you. So I was just like I got the Google Earth and it was like celebrity spotting. I was like huh and I look it up and it's so funny. Somebody was like Masjibrony spotted at the LAX and and what was even funnier though is like it's like you know like Justin Bieber has like 10,000 celebrity spottings like you know so I got to celebrities Look, hey, I'm working my way in slowly. Persians are positive. Yeah. Actually, you know what was funny. This happened to this was the weird one one time. Aaron Katernye had just done a gig in Jordan of all places. Whoa. And we flew back and we couldn't. What is that like? It was actually really cool. With the first time we the first time we ever did Jordan was again with me. I'm at an Aaron. We went into the X's evil comedy tour out in the Middle East. We did five countries. We just like 27 shows 30 days all sold out. It was like, it's big fish in a small pond. You know what I'm saying? Well, some countries like Lebanon they go talk about whatever you want because the Lebanese they have they've had they're very liberal They're very they're very they root for us about it's one of the most amazing cities in the world. We're gonna go check it out. It's amazing. It's like the nightlife is crazy. There's like no rules of regulations The women are all beautiful The the food is delicious And then and then you've got like that buzzer You can go check out the buzzer kind of thing, you know, and then you could go out into the mountains I mean, it's just amazing I've had a great time every time I've kind of been root

Oh, yeah. Now, so that's Bay Root. Then you got the other countries where a lot of times the promoters will say no sex, no religion, no politics. Oh, no. Yeah. You're like, well, now I'm stuck.

Yeah, right. Yeah. But that's the funny thing is when they say no politics, that means no local politics. And thank God, I don't know much about the local politics. And I'm not about the challenge, you know, the shape of Dubai with some, you know, stupid shit. So I lay, you know, you're allowed to make fun of America. You make fun of America. I can make fun of Iran. I used to make fun of the president Iran. They loved it. If you make fun of their neighboring country, they're like, that is hilarious. I don't like that either either.

It's, that's a tough comment. It's, it's interesting because there's like, I mean, I, I, I love politics anyway, so I read up on it a lot, you know, and, and there's so many different analysts and it's like, what is this any run right now? It's over 75, maybe 80 million people and there's a lot of young people, like, like, majority of young people.

They want a modern way of life, but the problem is, and somebody pointed this out, they were saying, when the Iranian Revolution happened under the Shah, a lot of the people that were in leadership position under the Shah had been Western educated, and this guy made a good point. He goes, so when the revolution happened, they had the money, and they're like, screw it. We're out of here. They went to France, they went to London, they came to America, live their life, they're all good. The people that are running the country now are not Western-educated. They've been part of this revolution, you know, the 79, and they, you know, so they got nowhere to go.

There's conspiracy theories in the sort. But I think, I mean, a big part of it, you could go back and trace it to actually a movement happening that was an internal movement, because what happened was the Shah, okay, the Shah Westernized the country a lot. and had a lot of progress for the country. Nonetheless, under the Shah, like as under any dictator in the Middle East, there was still a lot of people being persecuted, like opposition was not looked, you know, was frowned upon. And you would have like these like, and you had different parties, you had like, the monarchists, then you had like the nationalist, then you had the socialist, then you had the communist, then you had the religious, you know, the Islamists, so you had all these different parties. And any time anyone would say anything or criticize the Shah, Like some dude would disappear, you know, they had, yeah, there was a Savak, which was the secret police. So there's all kinds of like intellectuals that would like criticize them and disappear. And so there was, there was that going on. And so eventually what happened like the homini's history goes that he was actually exiled.

I'm trying to get my son to learn farce. It's the funniest thing seeing this kid. He's got like an American accent already. He's three, right? Yeah, he's three. He was like, come on, you know, he fucked it up. Anyway, so he, um, how many had been exiled to Iraq? Um, and, uh, and he was getting back then, it was kind of like the Twitter of today. He was, he would sneak, he would sneak his sermons back into Iran with tape cassettes. So all these other religious guys, there was a, there's a, there's a city name Gome, which is a religious city in Iran. They were all getting like his sermons and he was criticizing the Shah from outside of Iran. You can do that from outside, but you can't do it from inside. So it was done from outside and basically what happened was There was all these different oppositions to the Shah and discontent was growing and protests were growing and so these guys all kind of banded together and what they would do is it was very similar to the protests that were happening during the Green Movement in 2009 where people would be out protesting and then the government was shoot into the crowds and kill some people and in the in the muslim shiite religion like once someone's killed like something like seven days after something is like a morning day like so they all go out and they mourn so these guys would be mourning and the and the shaz police would show up and shoot some more and it just grew and grew and grew so the protests were originally like you know one faction, but then it became more factions. And then you got to a point where you had like lawyers and doctors protesting in the streets of Iran, like people that should be supporting the regime. And then you had the buzzaries, they run the, the buzzar is like the economy. These guys shut down the economy. The oil company went on strike. So all this shit came together and then it caused for the revolution to happen. And I have a friend of mine who was young back then, he said, what was interesting, he goes, like when the shot left he goes for the first few days in Iran it was totally euphoria because everyone was like we got rid of America we got rid of the this influence and he goes but was weird though was because because for the protests all these factions were working together he goes now like one guy would be like hey we did it brother and the other guy would be like yeah we did do it comrade he'd like wait a minute brother he's a mus islamist comrade i'm a communist and then it would start turning on each other and then the shit started turning and then and then the islamist took over and now we're in the shit we're in But all that stuff, by the way, and a lot of people have talked about this. A lot of this stuff did happen, like in 53, there was a democratically elected government, the guy was named Mossad Death. And the US, actually, the CIA has written their story of how they did a coup d'état of the democratically elected leader in Iran. They overthrew him and put the shot in. And so, like, whenever any American, like, whenever we talk about wars and stuff, and they're like, we're just trying to bring democracy, I'm like, motherfucker, there was democracy. And we overthrew it. You got to read your history. You know?

Yeah. Well, Israel is like, I mean, they, they, they say, like, if these guys get, I mean, and the Israelis did that to the Iraqi, to one of the Iraqi facilities back in the day where they infiltrated and they bomb it. Yeah, but I guess you ever ever listen to George Gallo a speaker, you know, he's just I think he's like a first name. He's a pretty shampie. You got to listen to guys really he's actually very well educated and he'd make some good arguments and he's and it's almost like it's funny how he like I've seen him get into bates with with like TV commentators like on sky TV he just like just he that annihilates them was his name George Galaway there was so he was talking about I think I think it was him that was talking about like somebody came on he was talking about this whole you know possibly doing you know strategic bombings what's it called surgical bombings right and he was like to Iran is a you know some of these cities are densely popular cities and he's like some of these facilities are in bunkers that are you know you know miles down underneath the ground and he's like how are you going to do strategic surgical bombing You know, you have to drop like a nuclear bomb on the thing to blow it up. So he's like, you're out of your mind. But you should check out George Galloway. He did a thing where it was around the time when Israel and the Lebanese were fighting like a few years ago. And this one girl who's funny from Sky News, they get these pretty commentators. So she's like, here to defend the Lebanese, you know, the Hezbo-less point of view, George Galloway. And the guy rips into, he's like, first of all, he's like, You know, your introduction of me was very biased from the dead of that. Of course, I would expect that Sky News owned by Rupert Murdoch. He just goes, just cuts in there. And then he's like, secondly, you need to know your history. He's like, they've been fighting for dead of it. And he just goes into it. And you see this like blonde girl like, but could you answer the question? And he's in Irish guy? I think he's Irish.

The dude is like, when he comes to Oregon, he's pretty, he's a pretty bad motherfucker when it comes to Oregon.

You know, the problem is it's funny because if you talk to a lot of Iranians, we always say like, for example, like what happened in Egypt, it's like it was a positive step in the right direction, but the question is talk to me six months from now, talking to a year from now, because with the people be, you know, with the people that are alive today even benefit from it, or they'll make their life shittier and then the next generation benefits,

Part of it. I'm part of the things that I'm starting to see that that makes some sense to me because you're right. I a lot of times get lost in it all too, but some of the things that start making sense is when they start talking about like the difference between the halves and the half knots and like how like back in the day like the CEO average would make like 20 times more than a Then the worker now that some of these CEOs are making like 350 times more than the average worker. So you start going, okay, I see like right now they're saying that a lot of these banks have made them like they weren't affected by the by the economic crunch because we bailed them out and now a lot of these bankers are making a lot more money and yet they kind of be supposedly still bad and people that had mortgages that were you know belly up or still belly up

Yeah. No, it is. It's pretty, it's pretty overwhelming sometimes. It's a crazy world we live in. And we got a tweet in the middle of all that. You got a tweet.

It's at Mosjobron. At Mosjobron. Yeah, I just I just kind of got going on. I got you here.

Uh, but people can go to the website or I see what doing this. What's your website now? Mosjobron.com. Mosjobron.com. And people can go to minivanman.com.

If you cover store LaFactory improv, just go to mosjobrani.com. You can find information.

Thanks for having me man.