Transcript for The Greatest Loss

I do, and I don't, because as you know, it's not a linear thing. Just listening to that voice mail. It sometimes doesn't feel like it's me. I think I still am taking in my story and understanding it and getting through it.

I remember in fourth grade, our teacher asking what we wanted to be when we grow up, and I said, a mom. And I remember people laughed at me. But it's what I always wanted. I just, It was, it is my heart's desire to bring children into this world and I've always wanted a little girl and I was 28 years old when I got pregnant. We were pregnant with twins and there was baby A and baby B and they just named them just off of location in the womb. And then at nine weeks we found out that baby B had died. My miscarriage is called vanishing twin syndrome where your body absorbs it. So I had no cramping, I had no bleeding. It's just, I was told one day I was having twins and I was told another day I wasn't. And then a few weeks later, 12 weeks, we went to see the maternal fetal medicine specialist. And I had no idea what was about to happen. The sonographer got really quiet. They found fluid behind her neck. Instantly, the mood and the room changed. The air changed. They took the sample from my placenta and tested it and they let me know that my baby had turned her syndrome. Her second ex chromosome was missing and I would likely miscarried. Most babies that are diagnosed with Turner syndrome die within the first trimester. And so I expected that. Everley made it a lot longer. She made it until she was 23 weeks and three days.

I started to try to rationalize in my head that, well, maybe the, maybe the statistics are wrong. I chose to keep going. I wanted to see it through, but it was really hard. Every single appointment, her swelling increased and it was impacting her organs. She wasn't doing what a baby is supposed to do, like grow. I never got to feel her because she couldn't move. Her kicks weren't strong enough for me to feel her.

Yes, that's the best thing we did. We started doing it every single day as a good morning and a good night.

I have every single one recorded half of them all and I have the last one too. We were really lucky to have that out of our disposal. Use it all the time.

Yeah. We had just been to our 22-week appointment and it was devastating. This was the appointment that made me drive to cemeteries to try to find the right place for her.

Yeah, I did. And I went by myself, Tyler, my husband couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it. So I went to three different places because I knew that when a baby dies and you are at the hospital, before you leave, you have to know where the body's gonna be sent. So I needed to research that and I needed it to be perfect. So that was hard talking to, you know, the funeral directors that are trying to sell you something and you still have a living baby inside of you, but you're looking for their home. Just awful. So when we were going to bed that night, her heart rate sounded so strong. She sounded wonderful. My husband and I were talking about how probably we were of her that night and my husband and kiss my stomach for we fell asleep. Which just I'm so happy he did. And when we woke up the next morning, the same Patrick's Day. I woke up first and that feeling when the power goes out in your house and it just sounds different. and we just knew. I don't know how, we just knew and we put it on and we heard nothing. It was silent and Tyler searched and he searched. And we knew we just needed to go to labor and delivery. And that's when I met Carol. She is a nurse that specializes in bereavement. And she tried and, again, it was silent. And we could see her. But there was no heartbeat. The worst words ever. There was no heartbeat.

Yeah. I was just trying to survive. It was like I was in somebody else's body. This was my first experience with having a child with a labor. And so they give you medicine to induce labor. And when everything started to work, and Evelie was getting closer, I absolutely panicked. You know, I just wasn't ready for her to leave because once she was going to be out of me, I had very little time left. So I was really holding in, I was holding in so much, so much fear and devastation, also holding on to a little bit of hope that somehow everyone was wrong. And when Everley came out of me, I screamed and let out this like a primal moan. that was that was everything that I had been holding in. And it was then that I knew that I had lost and that I was wrong. And that she was never coming and it was never going to be true. And the room was so silent. My doctor was whispering. My nurse wasn't talking. You can hear the hustle and the bustle and the hallway of all the nurses and the families being wheeled around and the babies crying and then my room was so dark and empty and sterile. It was awful. It was awful. But then I don't know if we've ever had something like a situation where you feel so much pain and so much grief and then... And almost the next breath, you feel so much pride and joy. When they first handed Evely to me, I was distraught. And then I looked at her, and I saw her features under all of her swelling. And I was filled with so much love for her. And again, the pride and the joy and this overwhelming peace came to me. And, you know, I think that's a God thing, and that was the biggest gift to receive in that moment, so that I could be there and to really treasure that moment that I had with her, that very small window. I'm glad that I was able to feel that peace while I was there with her.

Yeah, Meg. I believe that so I have to believe that I have to believe and know that while I really was in me. All she knew was love that she was never hungry. She was never cold. She was never hurt. She was never disappointed. She knew my voice. She knew her dad's voice. She knew the songs we'd play. She knew the light we'd shine on my belly. She only knew love. She wants straight from me to heaven. She's in the best place. Possible. And I have to keep telling myself that and reminding myself that even if I was given the opportunity to have her back, I couldn't. Sometimes I mean, I need to convince myself of that. But I know that she is where I ultimately would want her to be. That is what my faith tells me is that she is whole and restored and happy and perfect. And that helps. And it helps to know that one day I will see her again. And you know, we'll have that hug and embrace that, you know, I'll never have to let go of. I'll never have to.

We got to stay there overnight. Our hospital had what's called a cuttlecott, and it's a temperature-controlled cot, so that when you're not holding the baby, you can put the baby down to slow down the deterioration. It's a beautiful and heartbreaking thing to have.

That's for dead babies.

I got to spend the night with her holding her and I rocked her and I sang to her and I sang you on my sunshine and I read her verses and I kissed her and kissed her and kissed her and kissed her.

So she, she went down the hall to the right and the eye was wheeled out to the left.

And I regret not running after her.

But I knew that I couldn't take her home. I knew I couldn't do that.

You know, I've found that many of my friends weren't able to be there for me and my family, honestly. Because it's not something they wanted to talk about. You know, it's unspeakable, losing a baby, delivering a dead baby and having to bury a baby is unspeakable. They weren't comfortable with the rawness of it. It was too much for them. And then also there were friends that would try to say something, but then what they said hurt so much. I don't think there's anything good that comes from a sentence that starts with at least. At least you can get pregnant. At least you can have another baby. At least didn't go on any further. Yes, I was happy that that I could get pregnant again, but that did not erase everly. And I was at a grocery store. And I remember looking around, feeling like nobody could see me, and I was just screaming inside. And really, I just wanted to talk about her. I wanted to have permission to speak about her, because I felt like I wasn't allowed to. I was supposed to sweep that under the rug like it never happened. and it was all of me. So, friendships changed the dynamics of my family changed. Some of that was protecting myself because I didn't want to be told to hurry up and have another baby so I can be grandma less than two weeks after my baby was buried. Somebody said that to you. Yeah, with a smile on their face. Hurry up and have another baby so I can be grandma. Really all I wanted to do was just be around people that got it. That had been to that depth, that pain, and that figured out how to claw their way out of it and survive. That's what I wanted, and things got dark. Things got pretty dark at times. I wanted to kill myself. And I almost did it when I was driving. I was going to drive off the road. I thought about the bathtub and I went under and I couldn't do it. And a lot of it was because I was so terrified that maybe I would be punished and I wouldn't be able to see her again. But I just wanted to feel, I mean, I was I was hurting so bad, I wanted it to stop, and I wanted to feel something else. And I never, I didn't talk about that for a long time. I'm not ashamed, but I guess in a way, I kind of am. It was really overwhelming.

What I did the first time was the choice that I made. It was the way that I had control. of this very powerless situation, but I could not go through it again. I know way too much now, Anderson. I would need to have a lot of evidence from my doctors that this wasn't going to play out in my favor, but I would absolutely find a way to close the pregnancy sooner. I can't come up with a right way to say it, but to spare myself and the baby I couldn't do it again.

This is a box that I have that my mom had whenever I was younger and so in this box is all there is. This is all there is of Everley Grace Talman. So in here I've got Jewelry that people have sent me, this is a sunflower, makes me think of baby bee, and then there's an E. This is from her funeral. So it's got her name, and it's got a Bible verse, her stats, and then if you can see that is her footprint, and her handprint over there.

It says, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, wonderful. And I know that full well. It's from Psalms and it's... I needed to remind myself, and it felt very comforting and is that she was perfect. She was fearfully and wonderfully made. Even though she was very, very swollen, she was full of fluid and she was wrapped in cellophane that she was perfect. And I've got my pregnancy test in here. I've got it all because you can't throw it away. I mean, I couldn't throw. anything out, anything, a validation from parking, I've got it. It's all, it all means something. And so, this is a picture of me and Tyler holding, I really, you know. I was obsessed with wanting to get pregnant again. One doctor wanted me to wait a year. Another doctor six months and somehow we settled on four. And then we got, oh, we got pregnant with Luke. Thank you, God. And we found out that Luke was a boy, which was so bittersweet. Like in my mind, I couldn't have it. I couldn't get pregnant with the girl because what if? If I got pregnant with the girl, I'm going to lose her again.

Turner syndrome only happens to girls, but I also couldn't have a boy because I never got my girl. You know, I kind of felt like I could ride a wrong by getting pregnant with a girl. I know that sounds. sounds weird and it doesn't sound right. But ultimately, having Luke, I mean, he saved my life. He really, he really did. And then we got pregnant again with Ryan. Another healthy baby and found out it was a boy. Amazing, but I really cried there because, you know, I don't know if we're gonna have more kids. And it was a life long dream I had to be a mother to a little girl. and to have that relationship.

Well, my favorite quote that helped me a lot and you may have heard this, it's by Jamie Anderson. So it's a grief I've learned is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that Unspit love gathers up in the corner of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and then that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go. And it's particularly that last sentence. It's just love with no place to go and of course. I grieve because I loved her. She was, she is, she was, and that I'm really grieving a lifetime. I'm grieving everything I lost, all the milestones and all the birthdays, all the seemingly insignificant things, the first days of school.

No, yeah.

No, I love it so much. It's the same image every time. She's around three, four, and we're in a field, and she's in front of me, and she is running as fast as she can and a giggling, and she's wearing a blue dress that's spaghetti strapped, and she looks back at me and smiles. And it's interesting that I don't, I don't view her as a baby. I don't view her as, you know, an adolescent, a teenager and adult. She's just three year old girl running wild in a field. And just like, the feeling of joy and peace that I got in the hospital room that that was a gift. This is the other one. It is huge. I can picture her as she's well. She is well. And I love it. Yeah. I don't see it that often, but like talking about it right now. I see it very clearly. She's running and she's just, she's just a little girl and she's great. And I believe that I do believe that Heaven is like that. I don't think she knows that I'm gone. You know, she looks back and there I am. I'm just right there. I'm right there.

I can't wait to hug her. You know, they can't wait to hear her voice and hear her laugh. And because there's no sound in the image that I have, she's just running and I know she's laughing. I can't wait to hug her and to have this homecoming and to never let go. You know, to just be there and get to find out if baby B was a boy or girl. I cannot wait. And every single day is one day closer to her. And I have to remember that.

Thank you for reaching out for the podcast in general. It's amazing that you can be alone in your house and feel less alone when you're listening to something like this. And thanks for helping continue, I release legacy. Being able to talk about her and share is such a gift for me. So thank you.